Monday, December 31, 2012

Outtakes: The Year in Pictures, 2012

It's been a long year--exactly, more or less, as long as any other year.  Now that 2012 has already ended in Australia, it's time for me to look back (quickly!) before we follow the lead of those koala-feeding Vegemite addicts. Since everyone who might even possibly be reading this entry has surely already read every entry leading up to it (Right?  I mean, who reads the last page first?) . . . I'll only hit the moments that I previously left out of this blog.  You may ask yourself how I missed blogging about these moments when they happened.  Well . . . like I said . . . it's been a long year. 

Here's what I did in 2012:

In January, I got new headshots (left) and did a mass mailing to agents.  Strangely, no agents invited me in to audition.  I think it has something to do with my resume, because the image captures me exactly.  

In February, I starred in The Transporter IV.  I won a "Roomie," which is the Chicago equivalent of an Oscar.  

In March, I booked my first print ad, for The Peggy Notebart Nature Museum.  The snake got equity rates.  I'm considered an extra.

Running out of funds in April, I got a job as a bouncer.  Those are not my fingers.  

In May, I tripped.  

In June, still low on funds, I got a great group rate on a tour of Wrigley Field.  All I had to do was pretend to be a first grader.  As I am an accomplished actor, this was simple.  No one suspected a thing.

In July, I got a job at Walgreens, which is based in Chicago.  I took my job very seriously and began every conversation with, "I'm afraid I have some bad news." 

In August, I reignited my career as a Dungeons and Dragons illusionist.  I learned fifteen variations of the cantrip "Dancing Lights" when I was in high school.  It was easy to pick it back up.

In September, I took my impersonation of a first grader to the next level and reenrolled in elementary school, just in time for school photo day.  This is one of the only existing photographs of me without a soul patch. 

No one was fooled, and I was forced to become a teacher.

In October, I was invited to give a motivational speech to a television.
In November, my lucky suspenders could not save me from my own feet, and I tripped again, this time in front of an audience.  How embarrassing!  People laughed at me. 

In December, I got new headshots.  They're not as good as the ones I used last year, but I'm going to update my resume and see what happens.  Everyone knows that people in the television, film, and advertising industry value substance over looks anyway.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

This Town Needs a Hero

I am Batman.

That statement is not factually true.  I am not Batman.  That role is being played by Nick.

I am not Nick.

That statement is factually true. 

I am a member of the Red Triangle Circus Gang.

That statement is partly true.  I am not actually a killer clown, poodle lady, or acrobat.  However, I am playing the role of a member of the Red Triangle Circus Gang.  I even have the red triangle above my right eye to prove it.

That statement is not factually true.  I do not currently have a red triangle above my right eye.  Earlier tonight, I had a red triangle above my right eye.  That is when I was playing the role of a member of the Red Triangle Circus Gang.

That statement is partly true.  Earlier tonight, I played the role of a member of the Red Triangle Circus Gang.  However, I also played the role of a narrator, a masked bongo player, and a penguin with a rocket on its back.

That statement is partly true.  I did not play the role of a penguin with a rocket on its back.  The penguin with the rocket on its back is a hand puppet crafted from a paper plate and a toilet paper roll and some clever marker-ing.   

Another clarification:  I've been speaking in the past tense as if I am describing things in the past--which I am.  I will also could be able to will be speaking in the present or future tense, too, though, because the show in which I am playing these many roles was and will be performed this week and weekend.  It is past, present, and future. 

Not so much present.  Presently, I am in bed. 

A correction:  "Presently" means "shortly," not "currently."  By "presently," I meant "currently." 

Presently, I will perform these roles this week and weekend for all to see. 

That statement is incorrect.  All can not see this show.  The show is sold out, and the theater only holds 40-50 people at a time. 

That statement is not factually correct.  The theater can hold 90 people at a time according to fire codes.  There are approximately 12 of us in the cast of the show.  Therefore, the theater can hold 90, but the powers that be will allow 60 or so in for each show, 12 or so of which will be in the cast.  

Another clarification:  This show has a waiting list.  You can get on it.

That statement may not be factually correct.  I do not know if you can still get on the waiting list.  But whether you come or not, I will be there.  Why?

I am in Batman. 

That statement is partly correct. 

I am in Batman Returns.


I am in Nine Lives: A Stage Adaptation of Batman Returns.  

Close enough.