Sunday, January 5, 2014
PLEASE BE ADVISED
The National Weblog Service has issued a conversation warning for Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, and this blog. At this time, any online conversation not hinged in some way to how incredibly fucking cold it is will be outright ignored by the mass of the population. Facebook residents are encouraged during the advisory to take the following banter precautions:
- Limit all online dialogue to the topic of outside temperature
- Repeatedly reference the following statistics: -15 degrees, -55 degree windchills, coldest temperatures in 30 years
- Use the term "polar vortex"
- Assume that the population does not understand the term "polar vortex"
- Become fascinated with the term "polar vortex"
- Link only to stories about how frozen everything is, how polar bears are going inside, and how people are pissing steam
- All pictures posted of the Midwest must include a reference to the planet Hoth
- In addition, non-weather-related emails should include at least one inquiry into the well-being of the recipient in "this weather."
This warning is in effect until 8 pm CST on Tuesday, January 7, 2014.