Thursday, September 30, 2010

A Call For Help

This post is specifically for Mark Wahlberg (13,609 like-rs).  If you are not Mark Wahlberg, you're basically going through Mark Wahlberg's mail right now.  Maybe that excites you the way Mark Wahlberg excited you in Boogie Nights, but it's illegal.  

On April 1, 2011, my employer, Urban Improv, will have its annual fundraiser, Banned in Boston.  This is not a joke. 

We need you to come.  If you can't come, tell Ben Affleck or Matt Damon to come.  Or Jay Leno, or Conan. (But not both!  We're anti-violence where I work.) 

Come to think of it, maybe Conan would be better.

This post is specifically for Conan O'Brien (1,067,602 like-rs!!!).  If you are not Conan O'Brien, you sure as hell better be Mark Wahlberg.  Then at least you have an excuse why you're still reading. 

Conan, do you remember when you attended Driscoll Middle School in Brookline, MA?  Yeah.  I work there sometimes now.  Do you remember when you saved a kid named Keith (name changed to protect his identity) in a fight?  Yeah.  He works there WITH me sometimes.  His fiancee (yes, he lived to meet a girl and even conceive a baby, thanks to your heroism) works there sometimes.  We are all rallying around your alma mater!  Why am I telling you this?  Well . . .

On April 1, 2011, my employer, Urban Improv, will have its annual fundraiser, Banned in Boston.  This is not a joke. 

We need you to come.  If you can't come, tell Ben Affleck or Matt Damon to come.

Just don't tell Mark Wahlberg.  Why?  Ever asked two girls to the prom at the same time?  Yeah.  Let's just keep this simple . . .

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Me Vs George Clooney

The Road to Fame, Day One: Me vs George Clooney

In its (less than) 24 hours of existence, my celebrity alter ego on facebook has collected 13 like-rs (12 like-rs, plus me.  If you don't like yourself, who will?).  At this rate, I am 53,004.75 days from equaling George Clooney in that regard.  Mark March 21, 2155 in your planner (at around 6:10 pm).  The sound you will hear will be me surpassing George Clooney in the "liking" game.

Did I write "game?"  I meant "competition."

George Clooney probably doesn't know that we're in a competition.  After all, it's hardly a fair fight.  Look at the numbers:


GC: 636,057 (Right now.  This number may change as people defect to my side of the facebook fence.)

Me: 13 (I'm counting myself.  George Clooney and I both like ourselves, so it evens out.)


GC:  64 (I'm not counting "The American," because I don't think it qualifies as a film, but I'm counting "3 Kings" and "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou" one-and-a-half times each.)

Me: 1/2 (I did an online commercial this summer for


GC: None that I know of. 

Me: A gentlemen does not kiss and tell!*


GC: 4 years, 11 months, 30 days ( tells me that George was already visiting his famous father's studio at age 5)

Me: 31 years, 6 months, 3 days (so far)

In case it's unclear, fame is like wine or homosexuality.  The longer you keep it bottled up, the better it gets when you let it out.

Which brings me to:


GC: 49

Me: 31 and 1/2

This is the wild card.  George Clooney is at the top of his roller coaster hill.  He has been in "the industry" for 44 years.  Me?  I'm just now getting in line for the ride. (Boy, this is a long line.  And it's hot.  Maybe I'll go get some ice cream.)  By the time I get to the top, old G.C.'s going to be doing a loop-to-loop, looking back over his shoulder at me (or straight ahead, depending on whether or not he's upside-down), witnessing my meteoric approach.  You know what he's going to think when he sees me? 

He's going to wish he never started this competition.


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Screenplay

The script for BASIC INSTINCT famously sold for $3 million.  If a screenplay with the (presumed) direction:

"She uncrosses her legs.  Her vagina is visible.  She crosses her legs again"

. . . can sell for $3 million, then my screenplay, which includes the direction:

"In his mind, Tom leaps from his car and tackles Roberto.  In reality, it looks much less impressive."

. . . should easily garner $5-$10 billion.

With this in mind, I produced a public reading of my screenplay, WHITE MAN'S SHADOW, at the BCA last night.  Most people were too shy to come.  Those that did were silent through the entire reading.  Enthralled, no doubt.  One person managed to cough.

The first question I posited to my captive audience in the post-reading discussion was "How do you feel?  The movie ends, the lights come up, you are feeling . . . "  Blank.  Their job: fill in the blank.  Everyone was too overwhelmed to answer.  Amazing.  I can think of only one film in the history of film that has so captivated an audience.  Unfortunately, I can't remember its title.

$15 billion, for sure.  And an Oscar nod.

WHITE MAN'S SHADOW will, I believe, undergo a little more tweaking, just to ensure its ultimate future position at the top of the box office. (It is, after all, a film about race and class, the type which historically outperform movies about superheroes, naked women and 9' tall blue jungle people)

I'm not sure what the film industry will do when I arrive.  I might own a studio by 2011.

In Anticipation . . .

In anticipation of my future celebrity status, I have taken an essential celebrity step. 

I made myself a celebrity facebook page.  You can not be my friend there - I have to break the habit of befriending just anyone and everyone who comes along NOW, before I have no choice -- but you can admire ("like") me.  I've also made myself a twitter account.  Follow it and admire me doubly. 

I Will Be Famous Soon

Perhaps you don't know who I am.  That's okay.  You will.  I will be famous soon.

Here's how I know.

1) In high school, I won the DAR Good Citizenship Award.  That is given to one, count 'em, ONE student in the school.  And it went to me.  Me.  ME!  Someone please tell me what the words to the National Anthem are.

2) People are already asking me for money.  Here is a picture of the stack of mail next to my microwave dedicated to people who are asking me for money.


3) I work hard.  Really hard.  For at least 20 hours every week, I play with "at-risk" children.  If there's anything I've learned in my "regular" life so far, it's that people who work hard get what they deserve.  And that people who work with poor children get famous.  Fast.

4) An agent is currently considering the manuscript of my first novel "exclusively."  I don't know if you know anything about publishing, but when an agent considers your novel, it is virtually guaranteed that she will want to represent it.  And if she represents it, it is virtually guaranteed that a major publishing house will publish it.  And when a major publishing house publishes it, it is invariable that the author (me) receives a large advance and significant royalties - an amount to the tune of "I will never have to work again."  If there's money in anything, it's books.

I think that list will do.  I've given you five reasons why I will soon be famous. (The fifth being that I have a hunch).  That's enough to convince me, and as they say, you're your own worst critic!

Given, then, that I will soon be famous, it is important to me that, when I am a celebrity, I have a reminder of what it was like to be "regular."  Hence, the invention of this blog.  If you are also regular and want to say you knew me "when," or perhaps if you are already a celebrity who is trying to remember being regular, follow this blog.  It is here for all of our benefits.