. . .

*Ring*

. . .

*Ring*

. . .

*Ring*

. . .

*Ring*

. . .

Me: Hello?

. . .

The Internet: Hello?

Me: Hello?

The Internet: Uh, hi.

Me: What's wrong?

The Internet: I didn't expect you to answer.

Me: . . .

The Internet: Hello?

Me: Sorry.  The oven was on.  Why didn't you expect me to answer?

The Internet: . . . Well . . . it's been a while.

Me: Oh.  That.  Yeah, well, I took June off.

The Internet: Off?

Me: Yeah.  You  know, I went on a trip.  All the way across the country.

The Internet: Did you.

Me:  Yes.  Well, it's a long story, but I really don't live anywhere now.  I mean, I have a residence in Chicago, but my roommate there will tell you, it's basically a mailing address.  I'm in California.

The Internet:  California?  Wow.  Then I guess it's okay to call you this late at night.

Me: If you need to, yes.  But it’s not that late here.

The Internet: Right.  Time zones. 

Me: Right.

. . .

The Internet:  . . . well . . .

Me: What?

The Internet:  So, I've been checking your blog every day, and I pretty much gave up because . . . well . . .

Me: Stop saying “well” and just say what's on your mind.

The Internet:  I hate you.  I hate you because I love you.  That is, I hate you because I need your e-followers busily scooting along on my e-highways, and for more than a month, you’ve given them nothing.  Nothing!  I'm so angry I could curl up and die.  Where have you been!  You can't just go away and take a trip!  YOU HAVE NO PERSONAL LIFE!  YOUR ROLE IS TO SERVE ME!

. . .

Me:  . . .

. . .

The Internet:  Hello?

. . .

Me: Sorry, the oven was off.  Hey, look, I think this will all make sense to you one day, but if it makes you feel a little better for now, the trip across the country was for a book. 

The Internet: A book?  What the hell is that?

Me: It's what we had before blogs.

The Internet:  Oh.

Me: You have to pay for them.  Or else borrow them from your library.

The Internet:  Libra-what?

Me: It's not important.  What matters is that all of this silence had a purpose.  I went without social media for a month, and also without box stores, gasoline, bottled water, name brands, food chains, and major highways.  I accidentally went without a cell phone. 

The Internet: Why would you do all of that to yourself?

Me: I was as happy as I’ve ever been in my life.

. . .

The Internet: . . .

. . .

Me: Hello?

. . .

The Internet: Sorry.  I was growing by .01%.

. . .

Me: Look, if you miss me that much, and you can’t wait for the new book to get written, you should go see T: An MBTA Musical, which opens at ImprovBoston in less than 24 hours.  How’s that for instant gratification?

The Internet: We’ll see.  It doesn’t sound instant enough for me. 

Me:  Well, if you don't get tickets now, you might not get tickets at all.  So maybe it’s time to live up to your reputation and get on the working end of fast.

. . .

The Internet: I have to go.

Me: Me, too.

*Click*

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

*Ring*

. . .

*Ring*

. . .

Me: Hello?

. . .

The Internet: I just called to say “Welcome back.”

Me: Thanks. 

The Internet: I missed you.

Me:  Eh, you’re everywhere.  Thanks for being everywhere.

The Internet: No problem.

Me: Next time, don’t call.  Email.

The Internet:  That’s what I do.