Thursday, August 16, 2012

Out of the Closet

I've been hiding something.  During all of this conspicuous silence for the last two weeks, I've been writing non-stop, but not in this blog.  Instead, I've been doing some serious soul searching, looking inward for answers about who I am in my deepest parts.  I've been making progress in bringing the real me to the surface, but I've kept that progress well under wraps. 

Until tonight.  Tonight, I was biking through Boystown when I realized I needed to admit my innermost thoughts and feelings to the world.  Below is my best attempt to do so, though I must admit, it's all still very unclear to me and may remain so for quite a while.  In the simplest possible terms:

I've felt different than everyone else for as long as I can remember--my whole life, I guess. Even when I moved out of the South and into New England, when I started finding people who were "like me," the whole me still just didn't fit somehow.  Then I moved to Chicago, and I started noticing people that made me feel, well, funny inside.  It wasn't attraction, really, or even kinship, but rather a funny sort of half-belonging, a hunch even, an intuition that perhaps one day, ultimately, I might have a home here. 

I guess all of this is to say that I think I might be--or might could be, anyway--a Neo-Futurist. I might in fact already, on the inside, be more Neo-Futurist than non-Neofuturist, anyway.  I'm just not sure.  I need to do more soul-searching. 

Specifically, I need to soul search this Saturday at 11:18 AM CST in front of the current Neo-Futurist ensemble.  And then think a little more and maybe panic a little and definitely, like with any situation, hope that it all works out for the best. 

Anyway, if I'm writing down what it's like to be "regular," then I have to admit here that I'm, well, I'm in the dark, and I'm scared, I guess.  Something like scared.  "Scared shitless" is maybe a better term for it.  It's a hard feeling to put into words.

Wait.  Nope.  No, it's not.  Scared shitless was just about right.


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