It's a Test

THEATRICAL CUT

They don't advertise for drummers in the newspaper.  That was my profession.  Ex-drummer.  

INTERCOM

Next subject: Sheep, Electric.  Performance, live.  File section: Den Theater.

(ELECTRIC SHEEP enters.)          

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Come in.  Sit down.

ELECTRIC SHEEP

Care if I "bah?"  I'm kind of nervous when I take tests.  Zap!

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention.  Now, answer as quickly as you can.

ELECTRIC SHEEP

Bah.  Zap!

AUDIENCE MEMBER

One.  Three.  Three.  Three.  North Milwaukee Avenue. 

ELECTRIC SHEEP

That's the theater.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

What?

ELECTRIC SHEEP

Where I'll be performing.  Bah.  Zap!

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Nice place?

ELECTRIC SHEEP

There's a fireplace.  That part of the test?

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Just warming you up.  You're in the audience, waiting to watch the show . . .

ELECTRIC SHEEP

Is this the test now?

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Yes.  You're in the audience, waiting to watch the show --

ELECTRIC SHEEP

Me?

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Yes.  You're the show.

ELECTRIC SHEEP

Bah.  Zap!  I'm watching myself?

AUDIENCE MEMBER

It's completely hypothetical.  Tell me in single words only the good things that come to mind as you're watching yourself.

ELECTRIC SHEEP

Myself?

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Yeah.

ELECTRIC SHEEP

Let me tell you about myself.

(Pause.)          

ELECTRIC SHEEP

Bah.  Zap.

(Together, they climb into a car and ride through an idyllic landscape.)        

I don't know why he spared my life.  Maybe he knew that he would only live for one weekend, not even until Labor Day.  And all he wanted was the same answers the rest of us want.  When is it?  Where is it?  How do I get tickets before its termination date?

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DIRECTOR'S CUT

INTERCOM

Next subject: Sheep, Electric.  Performance, live.  File section: Den Theater.

(ELECTRIC SHEEP enters.)          

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Come in.  Sit down.

ELECTRIC SHEEP

Care if I "bah?"  I'm kind of nervous when I take tests.  Zap!

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention.  Now, answer as quickly as you can.

ELECTRIC SHEEP

Bah.  Zap!

AUDIENCE MEMBER

One.  Three.  Three.  Three.  North Milwaukee Avenue.

ELECTRIC SHEEP

That's the theater.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

What?

ELECTRIC SHEEP

Where I'll be performing.  Bah.  Zap!

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Nice place?

ELECTRIC SHEEP

There's a fireplace.  That part of the test?

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Just warming you up.  You're in the audience, waiting to watch the show . . .

ELECTRIC SHEEP

Is this the test now?

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Yes.  You're in the audience, waiting to watch the show --

ELECTRIC SHEEP

Me?

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Yes.  You're the show.

ELECTRIC SHEEP

Bah.  Zap!  I'm watching myself?

AUDIENCE MEMBER

It's completely hypothetical.  Tell me in single words only the good things that come to mind as you're watching yourself.

ELECTRIC SHEEP

Myself?

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Yeah.

ELECTRIC SHEEP

Let me tell you about myself.

(What happens next is uncertain.)          

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FINAL CUT

Available in full here.