Thursday, August 15, 2013

It's a Test

THEATRICAL CUT

They don't advertise for drummers in the newspaper.  That was my profession.  Ex-drummer.  

INTERCOM
Next subject: Sheep, Electric.  Performance, live.  File section: Den Theater.

(ELECTRIC SHEEP enters.)          

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Come in.  Sit down.

ELECTRIC SHEEP
Care if I "bah?"  I'm kind of nervous when I take tests.  Zap!

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention.  Now, answer as quickly as you can.

ELECTRIC SHEEP
Bah.  Zap!

AUDIENCE MEMBER
One.  Three.  Three.  Three.  North Milwaukee Avenue. 

ELECTRIC SHEEP
That's the theater.

AUDIENCE MEMBER
What?

ELECTRIC SHEEP
Where I'll be performing.  Bah.  Zap!

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Nice place?

ELECTRIC SHEEP
There's a fireplace.  That part of the test?

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Just warming you up.  You're in the audience, waiting to watch the show . . .

ELECTRIC SHEEP
Is this the test now?

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Yes.  You're in the audience, waiting to watch the show --

ELECTRIC SHEEP
Me?

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Yes.  You're the show.

ELECTRIC SHEEP
Bah.  Zap!  I'm watching myself?

AUDIENCE MEMBER
It's completely hypothetical.  Tell me in single words only the good things that come to mind as you're watching yourself.

ELECTRIC SHEEP
Myself?

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Yeah.

ELECTRIC SHEEP
Let me tell you about myself.
(Pause.)          

ELECTRIC SHEEP
Bah.  Zap.

(Together, they climb into a car and ride through an idyllic landscape.)        

I don't know why he spared my life.  Maybe he knew that he would only live for one weekend, not even until Labor Day.  And all he wanted was the same answers the rest of us want.  When is it?  Where is it?  How do I get tickets before its termination date?

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DIRECTOR'S CUT

INTERCOM
Next subject: Sheep, Electric.  Performance, live.  File section: Den Theater.

(ELECTRIC SHEEP enters.)          

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Come in.  Sit down.

ELECTRIC SHEEP
Care if I "bah?"  I'm kind of nervous when I take tests.  Zap!

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention.  Now, answer as quickly as you can.

ELECTRIC SHEEP
Bah.  Zap!

AUDIENCE MEMBER
One.  Three.  Three.  Three.  North Milwaukee Avenue.

ELECTRIC SHEEP
That's the theater.

AUDIENCE MEMBER
What?

ELECTRIC SHEEP
Where I'll be performing.  Bah.  Zap!

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Nice place?

ELECTRIC SHEEP
There's a fireplace.  That part of the test?

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Just warming you up.  You're in the audience, waiting to watch the show . . .

ELECTRIC SHEEP
Is this the test now?

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Yes.  You're in the audience, waiting to watch the show --

ELECTRIC SHEEP
Me?

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Yes.  You're the show.

ELECTRIC SHEEP
Bah.  Zap!  I'm watching myself?

AUDIENCE MEMBER
It's completely hypothetical.  Tell me in single words only the good things that come to mind as you're watching yourself.

ELECTRIC SHEEP
Myself?

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Yeah.

ELECTRIC SHEEP
Let me tell you about myself.
(What happens next is uncertain.)          

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FINAL CUT

Available in full here.  

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