Thursday, August 1, 2013

I'm Not Here; I Didn't Write This

They have a rule in the blog business: write in the thing at least twice a week.  If you're giving it any less TLC, then you're doing yourself a disservice.  Let's see if I'm doing myself a disservice:


(I'm doing myself a disservice.)

Look at that!  (Or, for updated entry counts, just look to the right of this very entry!)  In the first three-and-a-half months of this blog's existence, I wrote in it an average of 1.6 times per week.  In 2013, that number has dwindled to 1.5 times per month.  Not only that, I've now resorted to writing in my blog about how I don't write in my blog!**

"Like"-rs and non-"like"-rs*, if you are still here, your moment has come.  Let me help you help me be helped by you letting me help you help me be helped by you. Help.

What I mean to say is: something has to change, and you get to change it.  I am selling advertising space in my blog.  If you would like to take advantage, I will charge you a very reasonable fee, and in turn, you will help me churn out a higher number of blog entries per month.  Don't turn your back on this deal!^

I feel like there should be more to say about this offer . . .

. . .

. . .

Help.

------

* non-"like"-rs, why were you here in the first place?

^ Seriously, because if the people let me down, I'm going to have to sacrifice this last little bastion of the internet to the PR powers that be (i.e., let these frustrating little video ads take over here like they have everywhere else.)

** Actually, there are quite a lot of exciting entries to come, so don't give up just yet.  I haven't!

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Forsooth!

Well, will you look at this.

In case you didn't notice the little yellow link on the word "this" or the big red headline of the corresponding article, I will rewrite it here:


NOBODY GETS FAMOUS IN CHICAGO

Mad!

Julia Langbein, I bite my thumb at you, madame.  Your admiration of the Back Room Shakespeare Project is perhaps well-deserved, but wherefore the abatement in your article?  Let me shove thy nose in it:

"Average pay for a principal at one of the big theaters like Steppenwolf or the Goodman—and very few people get these roles—is about $800/week.  So if you are always working at the top of your game all year round in Chicago you top out at just over $40,000^, and that's if you are playing the plummest role 52 weeks of the year."

Well, Madame Langbein, let me retort as quickly and simply as I can (for I must shortly surrender this library computer):

All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players.  Are you familiar with this expression? I can't remember where it came from, but you, my dear, should heed its warning.  You see, there is a powerful play going on, and we (the actors among actors) have made you an unwitting fool!  "Nobody Gets Famous in Chicago."  Please.  Who told you that?  Why, the actors themselves, of course!  And why?

Simple.  It's a necessary piece of our throughline.  In other words, we fabricated it.  We created it through decades of our willingness to work for free, through moon after moon of compromise, through carefully training ourselves to see our work as just a hobby and allowing ourselves to be rankled accordingly.  Now, by not valuing our own art, we have almost managed to reach bottom.  Which is exactly where we want to be

Unclear?  Let me elaborate.  


We (the actors among the actors) aren't being held down at all; rather, like one angling his legs before a great leap, we are flexing, preparing for the great heights of the big time!  The grumbling you are hearing is the precursor to a storm, madame, and what a great thunder will sound when we finally explode upward, shattering the glass ceiling of not just Chicago theatre^^^, but theatre everywhere, and raining change upon the masses!  


But in order for that crackle to satisfy completely, we must allow that rondure of adversity to germinate.  We must assure that when we choose to leap, we will make not only a great noise, but the greatest noise ever heard.  We're not after a whimper here, Madame.  We're after a BANG!

So the next time an actor claims to you that he should be paid more, assume he is giving you lip service.  Remind him that he's part of a greater play, and that he isn't the lead this time.  Remind him of the value of humility.  Remind him to genuflect, that his craft is a form of worship*, and that one day the meek will inherit the earth**.  Then, ask him to put his money where his mouth is.  


. . .



By the way, I will be memorizing this entry in its entirety and performing it (for free^^) in Lincoln Park on Monday, July 29.  Please come so I can pay my rent.  (For updates, join my "like"-rs.  Anon!)

-----
^ 1099 income, which means your take home is something more like $32,000
^^ I will accept donations
^^^ which, as somehow reclaiming our status in the world, we are tedious about spelling with a pretetious "-re"
* Average minister's salary in the US: $86,500
** BANG!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Boston Calling

A man can’t spend ten years in a place without becoming at least a little attached to it.  Accordingly, I’ll admit to a fondness for New England.  I’ll own up to a modicum of excitement at Pippin winning a Tony.  I’ll concede that getting fan mail* from a “like”-r^ who was at the beautiful Turtle Pond on a recent afternoon stirred up some nostalgia.  I’ll even say truthfully that I occasionally respond to conflict here in Chicago with a Southie-style, Red-Sox fan, townie machismo. 

About that last point . . .

New England, please put aside your competitive spirit.  I have left you behind, and there is no longer any need to aggrandize yourself for my affection.  You needn’t send your Bruins to Chicago to try to defeat my new suitor.  And you needn’t try to recruit me back by writing plays about yourself and having them produced in Chicago, then casting me in them.  And don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about!  (He says with that same machismo!)  Look right here in the stage directions of this play I just got cast in:

SETTING:

Detritus of city, perhaps Boston

“Perhaps” Boston?  Perhaps?  (Machismo!)  Let’s read further into the play’s opening notes:

Whoopie pies: these treats are a New England phenomenon

Oh!  This play has whoopie pies in it, a “New England phenomenon.”  Perhaps this play, then, takes place in New England?  Perhaps by “perhaps Boston” the playwright meant “definitely Boston?”  Or was she perhaps thinking of some other New England City?**

And what is this my character says to the other character here on page 4?

“You have a PhD from fucking Brandeis?”

Ah.  Brandeis.  You mean the school outside of Boston!?!?!?!?

Boy, I am Southie-mad.  And maybe that’s your game, Boston.  Maybe you are trying to make me lose my focus here.  Maybe you are hoping that I’ve grown weak in this place, what with all the hot dogs, deep dish pizza, affordable rent, and street signs.  Maybe you think you can seduce me back to a simpler time by sending this little play on a covert mission. 

Well, it won’t work.  First of all, this play is only ten minutes long.  Second of all, this play only runs for one nightThird, overtime.  Fourth, no matter how exhausted I may be here . . . well, maybe your play puts it best.  What is this line my character has here on page 7?

That’s not how we play it in Chicago. 

Sorry, Boston.  Close.  Try again next time. 

-----------------------
* A text
^ friend
** Don’t kid yourself, Providence.



Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Stumbling Commentary

Hey!  Check it out!

:01 Is that guy fighting in a Nintendo shirt?

:03 Ah?

:04 Ah?

:06 Ah?

:07 Ah!

:09  Wait.  How did he hurt his leg?

:12 Fighting wenches!

:17 Ah?

:28 AHHHHH!

:38 Guy in a fashionable hat

:48 Ah.

:49 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

:53 All for one and one for all.^

:55 The plug.

-------

^ No, but seriously, did you see us all get up at the same time in the same way?


Thursday, May 30, 2013

Character Work: Royalty

We got the call in early May. 

"I'd like to offer you a part in Theatre-Hikes."

Grand!  We like theatre.  We like hiking.  We auditioned for Theatre-Hikes.  We were prepared for a call or an email from Theatre-Hikes.  We weren't prepared for what came next in the conversation.

"I'd like you to play the king."

We're sorry?

"I'd like you to play the king."

"Are We old enough to play the king?"

"Actually, you're a little old to play the king."

Ah, right.  We had forgotten.  King Louis XIII was in his early twenties when The Three Musketeers took place.*  We are a little old to play the king. 

We are also a little inexperienced to play the king.  We have never been royalty before.  Does anyone out there know what it's like?  Anyone?^

While We await your replies (which makes Us very impatient, by the way), We would like to establish a few ground rules for this blog that will help Us assume Our new role.  It takes a lot of practice to be a king, and We won't get enough in rehearsal alone.  We also can't go around acting like royalty in Our everyday life, so it's going to have to happen here.  This is the place We get closest to royalty anyway. 

*Ahem*

The rules:


1) Until the end of June, when the show opens, all inquiries submitted to this blog should be addressed to "Your Highness," "Sire," or "Your Majesty." 

2) We need one of you "like"-rs to respond to this entry as if you were a Cardinal.  In return, We will exile you.

3) For Our next entry, We will be hosting a royal ball.  All "like"-rs in attendance should wear their finest necklaces on their throats and sharpest swords on their belts.  Also, please learn to dance "The Merlaison."

4) Somebody teach Us how to do a French accent.

5) Serfs!

---------
* Oh, by the way, the Theatre-Hikes show We auditioned for was The Three Musketeers
^ In Our heart, We know that Prince William reads this blog.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Dramatic Pause

It's been almost 18 months since I did something unconventional, risky, even a little taboo and became a part of American Eagle productions.  In that time, I've gotten five times as famous.  First, I doubled my fame by taking on the role of Zuckerman / Little Lamb in Charlotte's Web.   Then, I added the role of "Dwarf" in The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe and "Mr Harper" in Tom Sawyer, thereby quadrupling my original level of fame.  Finally, beginning this past February, I took on a fifth role--that of "Mr Van Daan" in The Diary of Anne Frank.^ 

Today was my fourth performance as Mr Van Daan, and there was much to be decided.  Would I live up to the high standards I set in my previous three performances?  Would I change young minds? Would I remember my lines after six weeks of not doing the show, two weeks of which were spent cramming a foreign language into my head in a tropical paradise

The crowd waited in eager anticipation as I entered, fifth in a line of five, and began my slow progress toward the front of the stage.**  Each actor ahead of me spoke a line--a date in history, followed by a restriction on Jewish freedoms that was enacted that day--then moved away to another part of the stage.  "Thursday, August 8th, nineteen-hundred-and-forty.  As of today, it is required that all persons of Jewish ancestry must wear and openly display a yellow star at all times."  The actor dashed away.  I took a step forward.

"Wednesday, January 3rd, nineteen-hundred-and-forty-one.  It is forbidden that Jews own, operate or ride any bicycles, cars or other motor driven vehicles."  The actor goes; I step forward.

"Monday, March 31st, nineteen-hundred-and-forty-one.  Jews will no longer be allowed to ride trams."  Again. 

"Friday, June 10th, nineteen-hundred-and-forty-one.  No Jew may sit, stop or stand outdoors after eight o’clock in the evening."  The actor steps away.  I'm at the front of the stage.  I speak.

"Tuesday, October 15th, nine-hundred-and-forty-one."  

Wait.  Did I just say "Nine-hundred-and-forty-one?

I listen for giggles.  Silence.  Maybe not.  Maybe I said it correctly.  Can I take that again?  More silence.

"Jews must go to Jewish schools."  No.  That's not right.  That's the next line.  

More silence.  The anticipation around my much-anticipated debut is increasing.  The tension thickens on the stage and in the house.  I know the next line.  It's just . . . well, you know how in dreams sometimes you can read a sign, and you know you know what it says, but you can't actually read it?   It was like that.  The sign was right in front of my face.  There were just so many other words there, too.

Como estas?  When are my netflix discs coming?  How am I going to avoid tripping over those loose planks backstage?  I think Anne would have been a Belieber.


I come back to my senses.  I hear some words come out of my mouth. "Jews may only shop in stores that bear the sign 'Jewish Store,' and then only between three o'clock and five o'clock in the afternoon."  Dramatic pause complete, the play continues.  Everything goes perfectly.  Perfectly.  The crowd is so impressed with us that they can't help but talk amongst themselves about how impressed they are.  At the end, we ask for questions.  There's only one, put forward by the kid who is clearly the most ostracized student in school. 

We say goodbye.  We change clothes.  The man who plays Mr Frank looks at me and says, "You had a brain fart up there!" 

I shake my head.  I can't think of anything to say in response.  Until now. 

------------ 

* Look hard for him in the book.  He's there.  You just don't see him.  Read it again.  No?  Try again.  No?  You must be dumb.   

^ That's "On Fronk" in our Dutch-accurate version of the show. 

** Downstage.  It's called "downstage."