I AM NOT OVERREACTING!

It started with a sniffle.  A sniffle became a post-nasal drip.  A post-nasal drip became a 102 degree fever.  A 102 degree fever turned into a sinus infection.  All this amidst single degree high temperatures outside. 

Don't worry, "like"-rs.  I'm still here.  I stood my ground.  I got past it.  In fact, I went out and played some basketball (in a gym).  I felt better.  In fact, I felt great.

Then, I had a little soreness.  A little soreness became more soreness.  More soreness became an inability to sit up.  An inability to sit up became a Saturday in bed.

Don't worry, "like"-rs.  I'm still here.  I stood . . . well, I stood.  And that was enough.  In fact, through it all, I kept right on working.  I read my entire book out loud and recorded it with my computer.  Then, I played it back.

'A little wordy,' I thought.  Then, 'a little wordy' became 'a lot wordy.'  'A lot wordy,' became 'a little sleepy.'  'A little sleepy' became me falling asleep at the screen.

Don't worry, "like"-rs.  The book will be good.  The book will be fine.  You won't fall asleep at the screen.  It's just going to take some time.  It's going to take some patience.  Some . . . more . . . patience.  Some . . .

WHAT? 

I'm sorry.  Something just happened that is . . . just  . . . too . . . much.  On my way to write this blog entry, which was to be titled, "I Will Never Give Up," I typoed "blogspot.com" as "blgospot.com."  I was redirected to some sort of commerce site.  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?  SOMEONE IS EXPLOITING MY WORDS FOR COMMERCIAL GAIN!  Okay, now I'm running out of patience.  I just . . . I  . . .

Okay.  Breathe.  There must be a perfectly reasonable response to this.

I know!  I'll leave the country.  (No!  Don't try to talk me out of it!  It's as good as done.)

Now I just have to figure out where I'm going to go. 

Somewhere where my words don't matter . . .

. . . where they don't even speak this language . . .

. . . where it's warm . . .

. . . where I can rest my back . . .

. . . where there is basically no commercialism . . .

Is such a place possilbe?

AGHAGHGAHAGAHG!  That's it.  One more typo, and I'm getting on the first flgiht out of here. 

. . .

. . .

Ay.  Me rindo. 

I Am Your Girlfriend

Do you read this blog regularly?  No?  Ah.  Okay.  One more question.

Have you ever read this blog?  No?  Ah.  Okay.  One more question.  No, really.  Last one. Stop it!  You're cute.

Do you understand how blogs work?  No?  Perfect.  No more questions, your Sexiness.  Yeah, I spelled that with a capital "S."  Wanna kiss? 

In case you haven't met me, I am your girlfriend.  The reason I call this blog "I will be famous soon" is because you are so big and famous.  No!  You are!  Stop it.  You're cute.  And sexy.  Very, very sexy.  And when we get together, because we are made from the same unicorn horn and it is destined to be so, I will be famous, too. 

But I didn't name the blog "I will be famous, too" did I?  No.  I named it "I will be famous soon."  Soon.  SOON.  

What's the rush?  Oh, well, nothing.  No.  I really don't want to say.  No.  Stop it.  You're cute.  Wait.  Let me show you a picture of me that my friend took.  Here:

Wait.  Close your eyes.  Okay.  Here it comes.  Here:

Stop it!  You're cute.  Okay, for real this time.  Here:

I know.  I get that all the time.  But we're not even related.  What?  The reason I need to be with you and get famous soon?  Oh, shucks.  I don't want to . . . okay.  You talked me into it.  Sexy. 

The reason I need to get famous soon is that I am dying.  Of . . . rickets.  Yes.  Rickets.  I don't normally tell people I have rickets on the first date--what?  Why, of course it's a date, silly!  You were thinking the same thing but didn't want to say so?  Well, I guess I'm just the blunt type.  The sassy, forward, knows what she wants, hot as hell, blunt type. 

Oh God.  I can feel myself falling for you.  I am really in trouble.  Really, really in trouble.  brb.

. . .

. . .

Sorry.  I had pain in my spine, pelvis, and legs.  No, no.  I'm fine.  I'll be  . . . fine.  As long as I have you.

As long as I have you.

BTW, what time is your game today?  As long as my breastbone projection isn't acting up, I will try to drive up.  Yes!  I will!  Stop it.  You're cute.  You are.  

Blemish

My blog I am writing in my blog I am not going crazy in the cold it isn't cold it isn't Spanish Spanish Spanish all around me people from the republic I should capitalize that no I shouldn't maybe I'll go to Spain to Portugal Portugal is the Canada of Spain maybe I'll write a meaningful blog entry no one will ever read this seriously take it seriously blogging is fun blogging is worthwhile so much shit on the internet why don't I contribute a little more dogsitting this weekend feeling less and less famous by the day tell my autobiographer thats me tell my biographer thats probably going to be me too that this is the day I finally lost it this is the day I went insane this is the day it all went to hell the day proofreading went to hell hell?  that doesn't sound like a very pleasant place this is the day I got sick and my throat hurt and I spoke some Spanish Spanish?  Maybe I'll go to Spain.  When you put it all together what is that period doing there there is such a brave line between courage and insanity someone will go back and read this entry and think it's serious someone will worry about me not knowing i feel I need a disclaimor I am not actually insane I don't however know how to spell disclaimer correctly now I do dogsitting this weekend go to hell all going to hell going to spend some time with a dog locked inside with a dog a philosophical dog sitting on a philosophical dog this entry makes about as much sense as all the others except this entry, this entry is art because this is what all the freeflow poets do, they write they create art they create something special something in its own voice Sweet Charity they create Sweet Charity and the Mother F**cker with the Hat I spelled that sh*t wrong go back and fix it t-h-e-m-o-t-h-e-r-f-star-star-k-oops!  I used too many stars the first time.  It's her dream she says to play at the Steppenwolf it's my dream I say to perform somewhere else and every where everywhere every wear we reach and grasp I am not on drugs I am not drunk I am simply providing fodder for my (auto) (maybe) biography so all of you cynics when you find me at the top oh I am already there haven't you been watching the OMENS let's add a link there no I haven't forgotten about the omens there just hasn't been a lot happening recently and would anyone possibly dare read this?  I doubt it.  I doubt it.  Why are we watching so carefully?  Here's the part where I go back and put in a link.  PAUSE!  It's done.  It's done.  It's been since July since the tenth omen.  Wanna know everything that's happened since then in a big long spurt of happiness and truth?  I'll tell you but with as little punctuation as possible and maybe a few spelling errors because that's art that's ART and I'm writing a show with my friend Jake.  Jake is here.  Jake is talented.  Jake is my friend.  Jake and I are writing a show together but now I am avoiding punctuation.  Jake is not sick.  Jake is going on a date.  Jake is not me.  Jake is not my imaginary friend.  Jake is a real person.  Wait.  I forgot to link him.  PAUSE.  There.  Jake is linked.  WAIT.  That is not Jake.  That is another man with the same name.  Now I look even more like a raving maniac.  Here's a life lesson for you never care what other people think it's a mold it's a rust that attaches itself to your art the best advice I ever got about art was from David Foster Wallace (WHAT!?  Now I look even more raving and suicidal or something weird like that.  Don't worry, mom.  I am quite the opposite.)  Anyway the advice the advice the advice is to write from the part of you that loves a thing, not the part of you that wants to be loved.  See it?  See it?  Good.  Now you see the punctuation, too.  Like Robin Williams in Peter Pan, you see what you need to see just in time to see it and you can fly and rescue your children.  Who wrote THAT script?  Me.  No not me.  Guionista.  That's who. HERE.  Is this . . . is this my friend I'm not even sure.  I have to go back and link that PAUSE.  I'm amazed I can write this much go this long full of uninhibited thought without writing about yes indeed i didn't type it i didn't write about it how long do you think it took me to write this much in my blog probbly about 1 minutes no not 1 minutes 14 minutes no not 14 15 that's it i'll type it out fifteen minutes now the snot in my nose is beginning to unclog i feel like the ending of a staggering work of heartbreaking fiction you know what i mean maybe i will go start chicago 826 or something along those lines chicago 826.  yes sir.  chicago 826.  but it's not just here.  it's all over not just hear.  not an eye but an i not to but too but two i can do third grade math all this way into my life and i can do two things injest typhoid on an empty stomach and do third grade math.  and english.  oh and i know the word guionista, though i'm not sure i know how to spell it.  here are five ways to say even if in spanish incluso si aun que bien que por mas que and siquiera.  AMAZING.  Wait.  I need to go back and link something amazing.  See how order comes out of choas>?  I'm not ficing that.  Or that.  This is the life of the mind.  One second though.  I WILL link that for you.  I will write for you.  I will write from the part of me that wants to be loved.  But only for a moment, that.  for some reaosn the image linked above comes up when i google "something amazing" you can figure that out without quotation marks can't you i bet you could PAUSE ok no rule no gnu rule no new rule no punctuation that's almost oops a spanish word too putuacion means a test score did you know that no know no know no no know no know punctuation i worry that you worry about me when you read this but that is the joy of writing from the part of you that loves use zinc within like 24 hours of onset man otherwise that colds going to kick your ascot kick it hard will i continue should i continue with this stream of consciousness entry will it end when ive written for exaclty thirty minutes see here is an important statement about art never never never never never worry too much about creating something worthwhile every every every every every time you write write write right rite who the hell spell sit right spell sit write set did you know set has more definitions than any word in the english language i hope you read that if yooull yewl yule be playing any stump trivia in the near future or maybe in the nar past maybe they already used that question set did i ever go back and link up what needed to be linked  shit i just typed a quesiton mark dont worry i erased it but not now now this entry is blemished this entry is broken this entry is roto because never really it was broken from the beginning because in it is only the raw materials and here is my mind making something from nothign and hoping that your mind dear reader dear here come the quotation marks "like"r will do the same and that you will find some entertainment value in the nudity of this piece of these words of symboles letterspixel s pickles pickuls spread next to one another isnt that all this is oh thats so deep thats so art thats so meaningful i should eat a hot dog and go straight strait to bed thats the advice ive often been given i wsih i could type this quickly and fluently in spanish i have friends who work at groupon did you KNOW THAT did i ever pause did i ever go back did i ever correct will you like it if i just type and type nw you're thinking of this means nothing oops hes wasting my time but i know no one is reading this far nyway and if you are you cant possibly still hav any expectation whatsoever of it meaning anything have you followed this blog this far this long instead of just going out and watching daniel day leiws in lincoln now that is something people are raving about raiving a boot that is a complete process this the raw materials the waste matter the fecal matter they have no place in the artistic world they have no journey a journey begins with a single step i am better at spanish than i was seven years ago once id din't speak a wink  speak a wink is that the correct expresion i stopped using double letter sin english because they basically never appear in spanish maybe not at all im really not sure maybe only in anglicisms if thats the right word angel schisms i could use one of those right now but no im not sad i am not wrting this entry because i am sad or anything is wrong this entry is going out to the world because it is raw because it bounces cheerily back and forth over the line because every body poops everybody poos everybody poops everybody poos everybody poops everybody poos it straddles the line what a cliche expression between fecal matter and high art between a blog entry and a journel entry between entertainment well no it doesnt have mch to offer in the wy  of entertainme tunless yo are entertained deare 'like"r deer liker deer licker by typos.  by picels.  by the returna nd disappearance of punctuation.  puntuacion.  get it do you see it yet it is ever so clear and simple after a few drinks ever so clear but that is not what is going on this entry entree that is not there are no ddrinks drugs laughter food or snacks even i dont even have a snack or a fever i guessi just though i woul do this and here i am trying to write the part that loves but always always the part that wants to be loved will get in the way will play a part and maybe that is for the best four the best dont you think isnt that what happens next isnt that the next piece of the puzzle isnt that what it means ot be human?  to POOP?  I AM NOT LINKING ANYTHING TO THE WORD POOP.  PAUSE.  PAUSE.  PAUSE.  PAUSE.  PAUSE.  and thats where it ends. 

Outtakes: The Year in Pictures, 2012

It's been a long year--exactly, more or less, as long as any other year.  Now that 2012 has already ended in Australia, it's time for me to look back (quickly!) before we follow the lead of those koala-feeding Vegemite addicts. Since everyone who might even possibly be reading this entry has surely already read every entry leading up to it (Right?  I mean, who reads the last page first?) . . . I'll only hit the moments that I previously left out of this blog.  You may ask yourself how I missed blogging about these moments when they happened.  Well . . . like I said . . . it's been a long year. 

Here's what I did in 2012:

In January, I got new headshots (left) and did a mass mailing to agents.  Strangely, no agents invited me in to audition.  I think it has something to do with my resume, because the image captures me exactly.  

 

In February, I starred in The Transporter IV.  I won a "Roomie," which is the Chicago equivalent of an Oscar.  

In March, I booked my first print ad, for The Peggy Notebart Nature Museum.  The snake got equity rates.  I'm considered an extra.

Running out of funds in April, I got a job as a bouncer.  Those are not my fingers.  

In May, I tripped.  

In June, still low on funds, I got a great group rate on a tour of Wrigley Field.  All I had to do was pretend to be a first grader.  As I am an accomplished actor, this was simple.  No one suspected a thing.








In July, I got a job at Walgreens, which is based in Chicago.  I took my job very seriously and began every conversation with, "I'm afraid I have some bad news." 

In August, I reignited my career as a Dungeons and Dragons illusionist.  I learned fifteen variations of the cantrip "Dancing Lights" when I was in high school.  It was easy to pick it back up.

In September, I took my impersonation of a first grader to the next level and reenrolled in elementary school, just in time for school photo day.  This is one of the only existing photographs of me without a soul patch. 

No one was fooled, and I was forced to become a teacher.

In October, I was invited to give a motivational speech to a television.

 

In November, my lucky suspenders could not save me from my own feet, and I tripped again, this time in front of an audience.  How embarrassing!  People laughed at me. 

In December, I got new headshots.  They're not as good as the ones I used last year, but I'm going to update my resume and see what happens.  Everyone knows that people in the television, film, and advertising industry value substance over looks anyway.

This Town Needs a Hero

I am Batman.

That statement is not factually true.  I am not Batman.  That role is being played by Nick.

I am not Nick.

That statement is factually true. 

I am a member of the Red Triangle Circus Gang.

That statement is partly true.  I am not actually a killer clown, poodle lady, or acrobat.  However, I am playing the role of a member of the Red Triangle Circus Gang.  I even have the red triangle above my right eye to prove it.

That statement is not factually true.  I do not currently have a red triangle above my right eye.  Earlier tonight, I had a red triangle above my right eye.  That is when I was playing the role of a member of the Red Triangle Circus Gang.

That statement is partly true.  Earlier tonight, I played the role of a member of the Red Triangle Circus Gang.  However, I also played the role of a narrator, a masked bongo player, and a penguin with a rocket on its back.

That statement is partly true.  I did not play the role of a penguin with a rocket on its back.  The penguin with the rocket on its back is a hand puppet crafted from a paper plate and a toilet paper roll and some clever marker-ing.   

Another clarification:  I've been speaking in the past tense as if I am describing things in the past--which I am.  I will also could be able to will be speaking in the present or future tense, too, though, because the show in which I am playing these many roles was and will be performed this week and weekend.  It is past, present, and future. 

Not so much present.  Presently, I am in bed. 

A correction:  "Presently" means "shortly," not "currently."  By "presently," I meant "currently." 

Presently, I will perform these roles this week and weekend for all to see. 

That statement is incorrect.  All can not see this show.  The show is sold out, and the theater only holds 40-50 people at a time. 

That statement is not factually correct.  The theater can hold 90 people at a time according to fire codes.  There are approximately 12 of us in the cast of the show.  Therefore, the theater can hold 90, but the powers that be will allow 60 or so in for each show, 12 or so of which will be in the cast.  

Another clarification:  This show has a waiting list.  You can get on it.

That statement may not be factually correct.  I do not know if you can still get on the waiting list.  But whether you come or not, I will be there.  Why?

I am in Batman. 

That statement is partly correct. 

I am in Batman Returns.

Closer.

I am in Nine Lives: A Stage Adaptation of Batman Returns.  

Close enough.   

Internet-ional Fame

Here's a riddle for you:

What's bigger than the whole big wide world?

. . .

All right, well, I guess I won't wait for a response.  The answer is "the internet."  You can email me and tell me if that's what you were thinking.  Now, guess who's taking over the internet.

. . .

Oh.  Right.  This time the answer is "me!"  (You can email me again if you want to.)

Last week, I received the following automated email from weebly.com, the free web design and hosting site behind the new and improved www.jmmanship.com:

"We just wanted to congratulate you on all the people that have been visiting your site lately!  In the last week alone, your sites have received over 229 page views!  Since it looks like you're well on your way to internet stardom . . ."

Did you read that?  Internet stardom!  An automated email thinks I'm going to be a star!*  Regular people have recognized my potential for years.  Now, artificial intelligence is hopping on the bandwagon, too. 

Weebly.com went on to suggest several ways to better index my outlandishly popular website, ways to better link to it, even ways to make some serious cash off of it.  I would add one more thing to this list:

Set the thing up so it doesn't count hits from my own browser.

- - - - -

* Said automated email also thinks I have more than one site.  

On a Mission From God

According to Wikipedia, The Theater on the Square in Sullivan, Illinois "is known as one of the best places in the midwest to see a professional live stage production. Actors such as Mickey Rooney, Vincent Price, Alan Alda, Ann Miller, Ben Affleck, Don Ameche, Betty Grable, John Carradine, Leonard Nimoy, Forrest Tucker, Stubby Kaye and Ann B. Davis have done shows there."  That list is about to get bigger.  

As I write this, I am nestled on a couch in the same housing that once held each of those famous performers.  There are board games nearby.  There is faux leopard skin on the wall.  There are five sleeping actors resting up for tomorrow.  And there is, 100 yards away, a sign outside the Theater on the Square that reads:

Wait.  Wait.  Not that sign.^  That sign is only relevant in the post-script to this entry.  I'm talking about this sign:

Damn it.  Not that sign.  That sign* is only relevant because I'm comparing our little traveling troupe to the Blues Brothers.  (I'm Elwood.)  I'm talking about this sign:  

. . .

Oh, wait.  There is no sign.  Well, anyway.  We're doing a show here.  We're getting the boys back together, and we're playing this town for everything it'll take.  We've got a full pack of pop tarts, half a bag of bagels, it's cold, and we're wearing animal heads. 

Hit it.

---------

* Sullivan, Illinois: 98.68% white

^ Okay, so the weird part about that population sign is this.  I'm waiting . . .