Basic Math

Given:  95 people "like" me as an artist.  (4,917 people "like" George Clooney as an artist.)

Given:  I, as an artist, am currently in the State Theatre's production of A Crowded House: An Explosion of The Winter's Tale.

Given:  All 95 of my "like"-rs want to come and support my artistry.  

Given:  There are 16 possible ticket "slots" for the show, and 15 people fit in each slot.

Given: 16 times 15 is 240.  There is room for 240 people to see this show.

Given: There are 80 other artists involved in this show.  I don't know how many of them have facebook "like"-rs, but I'm going to guess "all of them."

Conclusion:  If my 95 "like"-rs don't get cracking, other artists' "like"-rs might buy up all the seats to my show and therefore render it other artists' show.  We can not let this happen.

Solution: As an incentive to my "like"-rs to make sure this is my show, I would like to offer the following kickstarter-esque ticket bonuses.


One ticket: Any "like"-r who buys one ticket will receive an autographed quarter-sheet program with a handwritten thought from yours truly.

Two tickets:  Any "like"-r who buys two tickets will receive two autographed quarter-sheet programs with handwritten thoughts from your truly.

Four tickets:  Any "like"-r who buys four tickets will receive four autographed quarter-sheet programs with handwritten thoughts from yours truly and a lifetime subscription to my blog.

Eight tickets:  Any "like"-r who buys eight tickets will receive eight autographed . . . (you get it) . . . and a lifetime subscription to my blog and a free tour of the "love refrigerator" inside St Paul's Cathedral, Wicker Park.

Twenty tickets:  Any "like"-r who buys twenty tickets will receive all of the previous rewards, plus I will say my lines twice for you, once in the show and once at the time and place of your choosing.

Forty tickets:  Any "like"-r who buys forty tickets will receive all of the previous rewards, plus free admission to my Story Lab performance on February 15, 2012 at the Black Rock Pub and a signed nude photo of George Clooney.  (I'm sure I can scrounge one up.)

Eighty tickets: Any "like"-r who buys eighty tickets will receive all of the previous rewards, plus I will personally add his or her name to my lines. ("I may be negligent, foolish, and fearful: in every one of these, NAME OF LIKE-R."  That sounds good.)

One hundred tickets: Any "like"-r who buys one hundred tickets will receive all of the previous rewards, plus I will let him or her play my part and wear my costume for one of the sixteen repetitions of my performance. 

One hundred fifty tickets:  Any "like"-r who buys one hundred fifty tickets will receive all of the previous rewards, plus I will rename The Winter's Tale to a new title of his or her choosing.  

Two hundred tickets: Any "like"-r who buys two hundred tickets will receive a personal reprimand from your truly, because you have now prevented some of my other "like"-rs from attending my show.  If you choose to purchase 100 tickets, you had best be the hottest, kindest, and most charismatic of my "like"-rs.  I'm looking at you, "like"-r number 77.*

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* "Like"-r 77, please call.  I'll give you my digits.