What do you do each morning? What's your routine?
What? You defer to me to answer first? What a polite conversationalist you are!
What? You think my answer is probably more interesting that yours anyway? How humble of you to say!
Wait a minute. Who am I talking to here? George Clooney? But George . . . why the modesty?
Okay, well, to answer my own question (if you insist), I get up just long enough to retrieve my laptop from the cold bedroom floor and bring it to bed with me. I open it to facebook, and I check how many "like"-rs I have. Then, I check how many "like"-rs George Clooney has. (This requires only a cursory glance, as my internet browser is always open to George's fan page.) I calculate and recalculate the date when I will catch George in the facebook "like"-r competition he started with me some years ago. I plan my social and financial life accordingly, then I get out of bed, put on clothes, and have some Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
This morning was particularly special. Would you like to hear about it? You would?! Ah, George, you are such a polite human being. I hope one day we'll be friends and not enemies.*
Well, it was special because the usual "fan" page I look at for research purposes appears to be gone! All I can find of your face-presence, George, is an artist page and a band page. By the way, you're more popular as a band. And as an artist, only 4,917 people "like" you.
Did you hear that, George?! Only 4,917 appreciate you as an artist. Sure, that's still a lot more than the 95 who appreciate me, but in this pissing contest, your shrinkage means my growth. And mine isn't the only fan page nipping at your heels. How are we supposed to take you seriously when only 170 more people appreciate you as an artist than as an attractive backdrop for little canines?
I'm sorry, George. I didn't mean to get belligerent. You've obviously hit a tough stretch here. I'll leave you alone to your thoughts and your new-found modesty.
Oh, by the way, are you planning to do any shows in Chicago soon? Are you part of any film shoots in Kansas? No? Oh. That's too bad. I am.
I am, George. I am.
* I really shouldn't have said that "out loud"^
^ I didn't.