Monday, August 8, 2011

Fifteen Reasons I Hate Chocolate

1) It melts in the summer.  And when it does, it makes things brown and sticky.  Which ruins that joke about "What's brown and sticky?  A stick!"  Because of chocolate, there are now two answers to that kindergarten riddle.  Way to confuse kindergartners, chocolate.

2) If you eat it backwards, it has Satanic messages.  segassem cinataS sah ti!

3) My sister gave me this really nice gift for being in her wedding. (No, I didn't marry my sister.)  It was a package of Coco-Zen natural chocolates, and they were so rich that they attacked my borderline-IBS stomach.  So even when chocolate is given with sweet intentions, it ruins those intentions and hurts the people we love.  I think it does it on purpose.

4) If I were going to run a tour about something, I'd run a tour about ghosts.  Or architecture.  Or mobsters.  Or history.  Or Shakespeare.  And I would definitely hire people for that tour who had, say, 6 or more years of experience managing and conducting, oh, I don't know  . . . tours.  

5) It gets me off-track.  Which is, incidentally, the working title for my new book!  Which, also incidentally, will be much better than chocolate or any stupid job as a chocolate tour guide. 

6) I'm a white man, and I don't like any world where "black" or "dark" means plain and white means "different" or "less than pure."  I didn't vote for that.  I don't remember taking part in any referendum on this issue.  When did white become the minority?  Was my back turned?  I want my country back!

7) One word: suckolate.

8) It's just not that great, okay?  Get past it.

9) People say it's better than sex and cheaper than Prozac.  I don't know who these people are having sex with, or from whom they're buying their chocolate.  For that matter, I want to know who their psychiatrist is, because last time I checked, Prozac was being handed out to everyone like it was . . .  I don't know . . . some kind of sweet.

10) Second City hasn't gotten back to me yet about my audition for their conservatory.  And they love chocolate.  So until I get into their program, I don't like this.  So there.^

11) Joann Harris wrote a novel called Chocolat, and then she sold it to Miramax for a lot of money.  Meanwhile, nobody wants to publish or represent my book, but I'm pretty sure I spelled Cambridge Street correctly.  Maybe if I call it Cambridg Street, Miramax will come knocking.  Dummies.

12) It has antioxidants in it, and I prefer positivity, so I don't like to be "anti" anything. 

13) You know that scene in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory in which they go through the psychedelic tunnel on the chocolate river, thereby rendering the movie completely inappropriate for children?  (And yet, we all saw it as kids?)  Yeah.  To all of you who still have nightmares, blame "The Big C"

14) You know what?  I don't have to explain why I hate chocolate to a chocolate lover like you.  I have better things to do. And to buy.  And better ways to earn money.  In fact, I should be charging you for reading this blog in the first place.  $500 please!

15) I don't want to be outside in the winter.  I prefer seasonal work because, in case you haven't heard, I WILL BE FAMOUS SOON!*

* #15 should read "Chocolate tastes good."
^ #10 subject to removal from this list when I am admitted to the Second City conservatory.  I haven't heard yet, either way.

1 comment:

  1. You are smart
    Chocolate is a very bad drug
    Go sugar free!