Monday, January 10, 2011

I Have a Big, Big (Small, Small) Fan

I just got back from the Dominican Republic last week.  While I was there, someone got very attached to me. 

His name is El Diablo, and he lives in my large intestines (i.e., the proper organ, the "large intestines," not i.e. "I have intestines, and they are abnormally large.").

Scientists are debating whether or not El Diablo is even living, so I wouldn't normally call him "someone" -- except that he's become "someone" to me.  Our relationship works like this:

I take El Diablo with me everywhere.  In turn, El Diablo uses the DNA in my intestinal cells to replicate himself, which causes me considerable gastrointestinal discomfort--but makes me feel very, very needed.  In this sense, our relationship is much like that of Leo and Kate in "Titanic," but with considerably less nausea and more diarrhea. 

Also, El Diablo doesn't drown at the end, and I don't get any jewelry. 

El Diablo showed up on my first day in the DR, and I rejected him.  So he left me alone for four or five days while I enjoyed my trip.  Then, he started begging for my attention again.  That's when we really started getting to know one another.  We've been really getting to know each other for almost twelve days now. 

*big forced smile*

I have to say, I'm glad El Diablo is sticking it out.  I'm still convinced that he's only using me but, on the bright side, it's rare enough to find a fan so dedicated.  It's even rarer that that fan will create more fans in his exact image.  What more could a star-on-the-rise ask for, especially at this difficult time

I can honestly say I have thousands, maybe millions of followers.  They're just microscopic is all. 

The doctor says it's just a matter of time, and if I eat a lot of "ruffage," El Diablo will eventually "leaf.*"  I know better.  El Diablo and I have an emociopsychobioconnection.  Even if I get rid of him physically, his memory will live on in the base of my spine in the form of antibodies.  He will have forever left his mark on me. 

Just like Leo and Kate.^

* My doctor did not make this bad pun.  I came up with it all on my "grown." 
^ click here to see El Diablo's drawing of me in the nude


  1. Sounds like it's just what the DR ordered. Sorry for the bad pun -- hope you feel better soon!

    -- karl & kristin

  2. *More like you came up with it all on your "groan"