ME
Doctor Me, I've been suffering from a variety of symptoms. Intestinal discomfort, intense jealousy, and what can only be referred to as "general literary malaise." What's your diagnosis?DOCTOR ME
It sounds like something that might arise from writing 74 query letters in 8 months and getting rejected at a 95% rate.ME
(in tears)
You're not being fair!
DOCTOR ME
You're right. If you consider the fact that the four agents who requested your manuscript ultimately rejected it, you're batting .000.
ME
I hate baseball!
DOCTOR ME
Let's skip to the point. Are you ready for this morning's epiphany?
ME
Will it make me run around my house screaming explicatives and ultimately change the path of my entire literary career?
DOCTOR ME
I'm not a psychic, but yes.
ME
Lay it on me in first person.
I am an idiot.
DOCTOR ME
So, me, have you ever actually looked up the definition of young-adult fiction?ME
Of course. It's trash about having a boyfriend for the first time, or . . . or getting your first locker. Right?
DOCTOR ME
Um, sure. Sometimes. But young adult fiction also includes famous works like The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Great Expectations and Little Women.
ME
It . . . it does? But those are works of great literary value. In fact, I'd say those are three of the most famous novels of their eras.
DOCTOR ME
Yup. And is this where I mention that it's still the case today? The Catcher in the Rye is essentially written for young people, and Nobel prize winner The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao has broad appeal across many different age groups.
ME
Oh man. Oh man. Oh man.
(A long stunned silence)
How could I have been so stupid?
DOCTOR ME
Do you really want to know?
ME
Lay it on me.
I am a snob.
ME
What?!
DOCTOR ME
It's true. You've never taken the idea of your novel being "young adult" seriously because you feel it would diminish the literary value of the novel. You feel--or felt--that a serious book has to be for serious adults.
ME
I did. But wait. If that's the case, then . . .
DOCTOR ME
Yup.
ME
I mean, I preach to young adults all the time about their value in the world. I trust in and hope to empower them. I've even publicly talked up the value of young adults and young adult novels in the industry.
(DOCTOR ME just listens)
Wow.
DOCTOR ME
Ready for more?ME
If I must.
DOCTOR ME
You must. ME
Okay.
DOCTOR ME
You've know all of this for a long time. You just haven't accepted it. I mean, you yourself have compared your book to The Perks of Being a Wallflower and The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time in casual conversation . . . ME
. . . but never in a query letter.
DOCTOR ME
Now we're finishing each other's sentences.
ME
Okay. Then let's say it aloud together.
I am a snobiotocrite.
DOCTOR ME
Doesn't that feel better?
ME
Yes. Yes it does. And do you know what feels even better than that? Recrafting my query letter and knowing exactly what my target market is.
DOCTOR ME
And what is that?
ME
It's something they like to refer to as edgy young adult. And as absurd as that name is, it fits my novel to a "T." Which, incidentally, is the name of the musical Melissa Carubia and I are writing together and which opens at ImprovBoston in late June of this year.
DOCTOR ME
That was a shameless plug.
ME
I think you've judged me enough for one day.
DOCTOR ME
That link was also a shameless plug, and a useless reference at that.
ME
What did I just say about judging?
DOCTOR ME
You're hopeless.
ME
No . . .
With an adult novel on the way after this one, mind you!
(What, you expect a lifetime snobiotocrite me to change his ways overnight?)
*I can barely remember 2001
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