Friday, January 14, 2011

The Last Page

Great news everybody!  According the my e-psychic, 2011 is going to be a great year for me, and by the end of it, I will have accomplished many amazing famous-person things (and blogged about them)!

Unfortunately, I know that most of you won't be around to see that.  Judging from my current rate of abandonment, I will have -33 "like"-rs by the time I am liked by everyone.

Delicious, that.

It's fine if you all can't wait for my e-psychic's visions to come true.  I can't blame you for jumping (man)ship and climbing aboard on blogs like "" and "" and ""

But at least let me say goodbye . . . ?

Below is a severance package for those of you on your way out:  I am pre-posting my e-psychic's entire 2011 vision for me below.  You won't get to experience all of the joy and laughter of "like"ing me as I go through all of this, but at least you'll know how the story ends.  That's what we all want, isn't it?

January 14 I will post to my blog.  (I have to say, the e-psychic was right on about this one!)

January 27 - 30.  It was hard for the e-psychic to pinpoint an exact date, but in this general time period, I will win a $7,500 grant from the Massachusetts Cultural Council for my playwriting work on the script The Hypocrites.  

February 26 I will turn 32, thus marking the 6-month anniversary of my inspiration to write this blog.  In celebration, government workers will take the day off. 

February 30 I finish the fourth draft of my screenplay.  This time it has a storyline.  Go figure.

March 1 I will realize that there is no February 30, at which point I will wonder about the validity of my e-psychic.

March 12 Thanks to my MCC grant-winner status and reinvigorated marketing efforts, one lucky agent will agree to represent me and my first novel. 

March 15 Random House immediately passes on my novel.  My agent cries, then assures me that a better opportunity is ahead.  If she only knew . . .

March 31 - April 2 I serve as a judge for the METG High School Finals in downtown Boston.  Not only is this a great honor, but I gain 3 "like"rs who think they can win my affections by e-stalking me.

April 15 T: An MBTA Musical, by Melissa Carubia and me, goes into rehearsal.  Everyone wins. 

June 1 I finish my second novel.

June 2 I get a two-book deal with Doubleday.  What perfect timing!

June 29 T: An MBTA Musical, by Melissa Carubia and me, will open at ImprovBoston and be an immediate smash hit.  We will earn exactly $0. 

July 3 Warner Brothers buys my screenplay, puts all other projects on the back-burner (including Clooney's latest debacle) and goes into immediate production. 

September 1 In a beautiful twist of irony, I will use the money from the MCC Grant to start a new life in Chicago, or LA, depending on what global warming has done to the US climate by then.  My e-psychic is no environmental chemist and couldn't predict that part.

September 10 Already rich enough but guilty over my misuse of MCC grant funding, I sit down with The Hypocrites.  

September 19 The Hypocrites goes into rehearsal.

October 3 The Hypocrites opens at the Nederlander.* 

October 27 Novel #1 is published.

November 4 Great news-to-be!  Book #1 becomes a New York Times Bestseller!

November 6 In excitement over my NYT Bestseller status, I will forget to set back my clock and spend just over 4 hours of my day in mild confusion.

November 30 Novel #2 is published.

December 6 Book #2 becomes a New York Times Bestseller, toppling book #1 from its ranking.  My ecstaticity (it's a word now, b'znatch) goes into overdrive. 

December 18 My screenplay (now a movie) opens and immediately becomes the Golden Globe, SAG Award and Oscar frontrunner for Best Original Screenplay, Best Picture, and Handsomest Screenwriter. 

December 31 2011 ends with me on a beach in Costa Rica, reading this blog and trying to remember, 'What was regularity like again?'

And that's 2011.

Now you don't ever have to read my blog again.  You can piddle about on instead.

*aka the only Broadway theater I've heard of and, no, I'm not a RENT groupie

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