Thursday, November 10, 2011

Dead Heat

Let's play a game.  I'll show you a picture, then another, and then I'll ask you a question.  It's like an inkblot test, but simpler.  Cool?  Very cool.

 Got it?  Now look at this:

Tell me which picture you like better.  Seriously.  Email me, or call, or tweet, or facebook post--any of the multitude of options for human communication in the year 2011--and tell me which picture you would rather have as your profile pic.  Which would you rather blow up into a 5' x 8' poster and plaster to the ceiling above your bed?  Which would you rather have with you on a desert island if you could only take one brutally sexy picture along on a doomed-to-crash plane or boat trip? 

I'll tell you my opinion.

The first picture has some nice features.  I mean, the girl is pretty.  Real pretty.  And just my type.  Unfortunately, she's offset by the hideous fanged Vulcan cuddling up next to her, his body half-heartedly painted white like a lazy mom's Halloween offering to her preteen son.* 

The second picture exudes sex.  Not only is the man in front almost indistinguishable from that Scott Brown Cosmo photo, but the two women behind him are so beautiful, so coquettishly siren-esque, that even the sight of their hands sends me to a place most men never go.  If that doesn't happen to you when you look at their hands, you are clearly impotent.

NOW which picture do you like better? 

Good.  Let's play another game.  I'll pitch you a story, then another, and you tell me which one you'd rather see made into a musical.

Story #1: A half-boy, half-bat is found in a cave in the fictional town of Hope Falls.  He's taught to speak and dress, and some stuff happens like religious revivals and an angry mob.  Got it?

Story #2: Through perfect comic timing and carefully nuanced tender moments, three really hot twenty-somethings take on the pain of every MBTA rider ever, thereby bringing a massive catharsis to an entire real-life city.  One girl sings about her vagina, and two men kiss.

Choose wisely.

Now look at this graph:

That column on the right represents people who favor the first picture and story.  They think that a short-haired man with rubber ears and cold cream all over his upper torso is more enticing than what some are referring to as "the sexiest picture ever."  They think that the fictional town of Hope Falls is more significant than the salvation of almost a million people in the greater Boston area. 

Can you believe those people?  They're the ones keeping the race between T: An MBTA Musical and  . . . whatever that other musical is called . . . in a dead heat vote over on's Best of 2011 Awards.

You're not one of those people, are you?  Well, you have until December 31 of this year to prove it.

And while you're at it, after you vote, change your profile picture to the very sexy picture above, if only to reflect your support of good taste and your opposition to eating guano. 

You don't like eating guano do you?

* "Mommy's tired, honey.  Just roll around in this chalk for a while and bring me back some candy . . ."

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