I'm back from Costa Rica, so I guess it's time to face the music. Folks, I . . .well, let's be blunt. My e-psychic is shit. I mean that in the nicest possible way.*
This year, I'm going to make my own predictions about my career, and I'm going to be a little more modest than the damn lofty expectations and consequential disappointment that e-psychic set me up for in 2011. In layman's terms: I'm only predicting one major life accomplishment per month for 2012. That's it! Here goes.
January Cambridge Street comes out as an e-book. Its sales jump from 50 to 50,000,000,000,000.
February Cambridge Street becomes available in some local bookstores in Boston and Chicago. Its sales jump from 50,000,000,000,000 to 50,000,000,000,011.
March Zompocalypso goes into production thanks to the generous support of some local and international backers.
May I finish the first draft of Off Track. A few copies leak on the internet, and the presales hit 50,000,000,000,012, thus making it my new bestseller before it even comes out.
June Just under a year after its debut and carrying the prestigious honor of "Best Musical of 2011" and "Best Director of a Musical" from Broadwayworld.com, T: An MBTA Musical returns and re-takes Boston by storm. I get "f"amous again, along with my co-conspirators and a dozen of Boston's most hilarious singer / actor / dancers.
July My one year anniversary in Chicago arrives. I am not yet living on the street, but I sleep under the bean one night for my own amusement.
August Melissa Carubia and I write a new musical called August and Everything After. Nice title, that.
September I graduate from the Second City Conservatory a changed man. I am immediately cast on the Second City mainstage and appear in the revue Hello, Chicago, Get Your Guns and Dolls. Immediately.
October For the first time in 150 years, I survive October without performing as a zombie, ghost, or demented hillbilly. However, Zompocalpyso comes out in theaters, and I hear people quoting our lovable characters everywhere I go. There's no escape.
November August and Everything After, now titled Under the Table and Dreaming because August and Everything After was taken, debuts in Boston, New York, Chicago, San Antonio, and Des Moines. It goes especially well in Des Moines.
December The apocalypse comes at the hands of alien invaders. Though they rend out my eyeballs with their incisors (which are on their knees), they mistake my new book, Off Track, for scripture, and I become intergalactically famous.
Yes, sir. Now those are some realistic expectations. Here's to 2012, a pretty darn decent year-to-come!
* No, I don't.