Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Condoleeza Rice is Scared of Me


Did I getcha?  If you are a politician or major corporation, then my guess is "Yeah, I gotcha."  Happy Halloween.

You wouldn't be my first victim.  As an aspiring published novelist, I have a  record of intimidating politicians and major corporations.  In fact, it's part of the order of things.  Here's a quick study I made up regarding who has the most power in this beloved country of ours (By "ours" I mean "white men's."  If you are not a white man and you are reading this, make sure you take special note of where you belong in the order of things.  And stay there!)


10) Aspiring novelists who are not white men
9) Anyone else I don't mention here (also, Latina mothers)
8) Toyota (also, stock brokers)
7) God (also, Satan)
6) "Big Ag"
5) Politicians (current and former)
4) George Clooney
3) The Tea Party, bigots, misogynists and racists (as of next January)
2) Exxon Mobil
1) Aspiring novelists who are white men

I will now support the above "theory" (which is actually fact).

Five years ago, I wrote a performance piece for MOSAIC called Kyoto Toyota.  It criticized Toyota for destroying almost their entire fleet of electric cars back in 2005.  (Sidenote: Yes, Prius owners, you read that correctly.  You are suckers.  Not only did Toyota get you a good one by making your gas pedals stick to the floor, they also developed a completely electric car a good 3 years before the "revolutionary" Prius.  And people liked it, and you probably would have, too.   You know what?  I don't have space in this blog post to tell you how much of a sucker you are.  The politicians and major corporations are scared and waiting for me to get on with it.  Just go here if you own a Prius.  Then, cry.)

So back to the point.  Politicians and major corporations -- sorry to keep you scared.

My MOSAIC piece, Kyoto Toyota, was the cat's pajamas.  We danced around.  We imitated local car commercials.  We smashed matchbox cars with whiffleball bats.  A fun time was had by all (except the lady who got hit by the tiny flying wheel).  What we didn't know at the time was that Kyoto Toyota was an intimidating pair of cat's pajamas (Happy Halloween again).  It was about two months after the piece was first performed that Toyota started changing their ways (sort of).  Again, it's too big to get into, so go here (Basically, Kyoto Toyota, MOSAIC and I are the reason why Toyota didn't crush all of their electric cars.  You're welcome.)

In case you aren't lost yet, fast forward another month.  October, 2005.  In response to another piece of mine from that summer (entitled "Wesley Willis 'Does' Tom DeLay" -- linked for your enjoyment here), Tom DeLay, "The Hammer" himself, is arrested.

Holy cow!  2 for 2.  It was at that point that I stopped writing meaningful pieces for MOSAIC and for the next five years resorted to pieces about sticking your tongue out at the audience and M Night Shyamalan.  Then, last May, I left MOSAIC before I could do any more damage.

So now it's October, 2010.  I'm almost famous, working the occasional odd job to keep myself humble, and wondering why Back to the Future is back in theaters (hint: it's because all the good movies have already been made).  As far as I'm concerned, for the time being, I'm harmless.  Right?  I mean, until this blog entry, I haven't scared a politician or major corporation for five whole years.  Honest.

I decide to test the waters.  I pick up an odd job ushering for a Condoleeza Rice speaking engagement here in Boston (yes, really).  I promise myself that I won't bring my matchbox cars or whiffleball bats along.  I'll even keep my hands down and my voice calm, and I won't tell anyone from MOSAIC about the job.      

Enter Condoleeza Rice.

Oops.  On the other hand, don't enter Condoleeza Rice.  My reputation precedes me.


I did it again.  Now if only someone would arrest her.  She and Tom DeLay could compare mug shots.

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